Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Where Do I Belong?

Not sure where I fit in anymore. Obviously not with the church. And frankly I can't drum up the hate to fit in with many ex-Mormons either. I get why there's anger, I just don't feel it that intensely. Not that there isn't things that get me riled up. It's just that I don't see evil or bad intentions every time a Mormon friend says hi or drops off a gift or states an opinion I don't agree with. Nor do I feel the need to mock everything about Mormonism. I still like a lot of LDS artists and writers. I have no desire to throw out all my LDS fiction, nor my Greg Olsen print of Jesus. I still find humor in Mormon people poking fun at themselves (which they're pretty good at). In fact I cringe at the nit picking that I find ex-Members indulge in. 

I don't fit in with atheists. I can't deny spiritual experiences and I find them condescending towards believers. I don't fit in with born agains. I find them condescending too and demanding that everyone believe what they believe. I'm not completely against abortion in the right situations but I'm not completely for it and find it grating lately that there seems to be a celebration of it. I still cringe at profanity although I don't want to censor anyone but it seems like a teenage rebellion thing when I read some ex-members posts and they throw around swear words simply because they can and not because it really adds to what they are saying. Now I realize that's a cultural thing for me, but I guess that's part of my culture.

I have no desire to become drunk or even experiment with alcohol. The devastation it caused my childhood was more than enough for me although I do like my coffee.

And part of me is torn. On one hand I want to continue writing about LDS subjects because it was over thirty years of my life, and there is the hope that what I have to say might help someone, somewhere. But there's the other part of me that says "really, now they're claiming that hatred towards children of gay parents is a direct revelation of God? I don't care anymore because it's just so stupid. They can do what they want. I can't change anything about them. I'm outa here."

But "I'm outa here" leaves me completely alone.


  1. I've been there. I was born and raised in the LDS church. I married in the temple when I was 18, even though only my mom was able to be with us, while my dad and his parents waited outside. I did this out of guilt. Knowing what I know now, I never would have excluded my OWN family from my wedding.

    I quit going to the LDS church (I refuse to call them the church, there are many churches out there and they aren't any more special than the others) because I had issues after our adoption fell through.

    I was bitter for years. But I was only hurting myself. Last year, I decided to seek out a new church. I don't think one church is more true than any other. I wasn't looking for a religion, I was looking for Christ.

    As I write out this long comment, I realize I should be blogging this instead. I have a spiritual blog at http://findingmysaviorjesuschrist.blogspot.com/. So I'll cut to the short story. Don't look for religion. Seek Christ and you will find Him. Attend different services until you find a place you belong.

  2. Finding community is the hardest part of leaving. Truly. The church provides an established community of well connected people who are always there. It can take years to find that for yourself. It is a challenging journey, but worth it. Good luck to you. I wish you peace and joy however you move forward.

  3. you have great insight, and have provided excellent commentary on the church,
    but it is time to walk away. Your continued intellectual involvement keeps you tied to mormonism…it's unhealthy. Walk away, breathe deep and feel the last of your inner conflict evaporate. Give yourself a chance to experience and connect with new emotions and experiences. Everyone I know that has gone through this "faith crisis" is happier once they disconnect.